Thursday, December 20, 2012

How To Make the End of the World Sexy

As you know the Mayan Calander is about to run out, meaning the end of the world is upon us. So, unless you’re partying till the brink of the apocalypse, spend your last hours doing some sexy things with your lover-- or a stranger (we won’t tell, but maybe use a condom, you know just in case it’s not really the end of the world...)

3 Sex Positions You Should Try Before the End of the World.

Reverse Cowgirl

If the zombies do rise up from their graves to eat your brains, and you still find yourself wanting to do the Grown-Up, try the reverse cowgirl position. That way, if the zombie’s find you, you’ll at least see them coming. 

This is a fun position and I agree with Samus it's a good position to stay on your guard in case of zombies. Another reason to do it in this position is because it leaves your hands relatively free to hold weapons to fight off attackers. Not going to help much if the end of the world comes in the form of an asteroid but at least you'll go out with a bang (pun intended) ;)

Doggie style

Cause you know you want to...

Well yeah of course I do but I like most positions Samus. :) But also I think this is also a great zombie position although if that's the case make sure you have a wall behind you because otherwise you might have an accidental zombie threeway. I find this position always brings out my wild side so I think it would be great for anyone looking to just go wild.

Ultimate Embrace

Let’s face it, you’re gonna die. Hold each other and kiss your asses goodbye!

This is the most intimate of positions and the most comforting. Also if the rapture happens God might not realize that you are having sex and instead think you are just giving each other a good cuddle. Good luck trying to pull the wool over God's eyes but hey it's worth a shot.

3 Sexy Things You Should Have for the End of the World


Despite their obvious uses (Please try not to get preggers during the end of the world-- not a good survival plan...) Condoms could be a great way to carry water and food, protect electronics (assuming they’re still functioning) and making a slingshot.

Condoms are super useful you can use them as water ballons to distract the zombies! (are you sensing a theme here?) You can also make a decoy out of then to also distract the zombies.

You can wear them on your feet as water proof socks. If you have enough of them you can blow them up like balloons tie them together and make a raft. You can even make clothing out of them. 

Endless possibilities.

Edible Underwear
And for our vegetarian friends.
Mmmmm, meat!

It’s food, and it’s mostly compact. 

You can eat it you can wear it and your lover will think it's sexy. the only problem is that you will smell like something extra edible so it might not be good to wear if you are surrounded by zombies.

Hatiachi Magic Wand

Trying to survive the apocalypse is stressful-- enjoy a lovely massage (on or off your genitals.) Also can be used to bash enemies over the head! Have fun!

The best weapon is the most unlikely so this would be perfect. and this thing is very durable it even has a lot attachments to inflict more pain...or pleasure depending on how you use it.

3 Safe Places You Can Do It while the World is Ending


Since you’ll be looking for Costco anyway-- they’ve got everything you need!-- why not find a cozy place to bang? Maybe in a nice secluded section where all the tents are-- no need to give your fellow survivor’s a show.

This place has everything. It will help keep you alive with everything you need and lots of things you don't. It even has mattresses and they are always very sturdy buildings. So you will be relatively safe and with all the aisles there are a million places to do it in different positions that are great vantage points so you can be on the look out against zombies.

Bomb shelter

We know you’ve all been planning for the end of the world ever since you heard the REM song right? So obviously you’ve got a bomb shelter built-- Ready and waiting for some good old fashion baby makin’.

It might save you from the end of the world and most zombies won't be able to figure out how to get into it. It's the perfect place to have some alone time and you can be as loud as you want because bomb shelter walls are so thick that the zombies won't hear it.


If you’re thinking that you may be Raptured, then by all means head on over to your local church and start praying. And if you don’t get Raptured? Well, a little lovin’ in pew ain’t gonna hurt your reputation none.

O.K. so not the most respectful but this is a good place to go if all else fails the rapture happened, everyone turned into zombies...there is no hope left. Go to church make your peace and since you have nothing left to loose screw each other like bunnies. :)

Please feel free to leave comments, suggestions or questions below!

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Don't be shy!


 -- Kinky Kraken & Samus Andress


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